I go to a lot of play groups. I must attend about 4 a week as well as running one a week just for twins and multiples. I have seen many different types of mums, dads and carers out there and as ashamed as I am to say, have judged and probably been judged by most of them. Its hard not to look at a disheveled lady walking in the door with slicked back hair, no make up on and struggling to carry a car seat with a sweetly sleeping baby in and not think 'God that was me 2 years ago'. I remember walking into a baby group for the very first time, with two car seats in my arms, looking completely lost hoping for one person to take pity on me and offer me a cuppa.
On the other hand however, there could be that lady that walks in plastered in make up, wearing high heels and have just squeezed into her post-pregnancy jeans and a lot of the mothers there will cast a terrible judgement. Not 'oh she looks great after just having a baby'. But almost a 'who does she think she is putting us all to shame, looking immaculate when we have been wearing the same baby vomit stained tshirt for days'. Its horrible to make a judgement, but we do. I think we all want to know that other people are struggling with motherhood just as much as we are. For all we know, that lady may have been working out every night when her baby sleeps, to get her body back to its former self and starving herself just so she feels some self worth and control. She could be at home crying every night with a baby with sever colic that doesn't sleep and getting up in the morning and making herself up is the only way she can get through the day. But we don't see that. All we see is what walking through the door. People have already decided whether to have a conversation with her within the first 5 minutes of walking in. I know this. I have felt the looks of judgement as I walk in.(oh and that's not because I look immaculate - quite the opposite!)
You see I'm not a small talker, or at least I don't consider myself to be but I'm learning. I'm a bit quirky, and occasionally say inappropriate things which a lot of mums would not find too funny. I guess you could say I'm not a stereotypical mum. I'm 31 but not many of my friends have children. That might be because they are gay or still trying to live their starving artist dream or already have older children or are just not 'there' yet. So when it comes to toddler groups, I find it hard to place myself. And I guess people sense that too. But at the end of the day, all we want is a friendly ear to listen to our sleeping problems and to say 'me too' and 'Oh god I'm so pleased you feel like as well". I've come to realize that just because we both have children, doesn't automatically mean we are going to be best friends. I cant assume that just because we have had a chat about how little there is out there clothes wise for boys, doesn't mean we will be scheduling pay dates every week and drinking wine together at the weekends. We have one thing in common so far, that's not the basis for a lasting relationship.
I think I did expect that to happen automatically when I became a mum but I was totally wrong and I need to not be so hung up on it. Of course I would love to have regular play dates and meet like minded mums but the reality is, Im not on this desperate search for mum friends and I need to keep telling myself that. Its OK. Its OK if I don't have friends that have children the same age. Actually I should be grateful that my close circle of friends aren't all in the same boat as me as conversation would be pretty boring. At least my current circle all have different things going on which we can talk about instead of dirty nappies and sick which validates that there is still a real world out there for me.
I guess its a matter of getting the balance right. An equal mix of mummy friends and non mummy friends. That way you can have conversations about children when you need but also, its so nice to have a break from it!
And luckily, this evening, its one of those nights! Thanks for having the boys mum! xx
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